This month I have been angry, mad, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, and repeat. It’s been exhausting. My brain has been running on overdrive while I think about what has, what is, and what will be. It’s not fun staring up in the darkness at two in the morning wondering about life.
One thing that had me pondering was my quest to thrive and succeed in my online world. I have such respect for my online friends. Everyone at the YummyMummyClub, nugglemama, Running Scared, What Did She Say, A Mother World, This Birds Day, Chasing Clever and so many more, have been a source of inspiration, education and fun-anation for me. (Yes, I make up words and they will become real once people catch on).
One day I will write our main story line. One filled with determination, sadness, strength, and humour. Because without humour this story would have finished a long time ago. Right now, I will write about a sub plot in this part of the journey.
I always wanted to become a success in my blog and online persona. I don’t feel like I have. Reading all the blogs that these women create, I feel like a fake. And I worry. I don’t have the connections so I don’t have the success others have. I don’t have the cool contests. I don’t have the ability to socialize and network the way successful bloggers do. You see being poor, one doesn’t have control over their own time. You are bound in a cycle of servitude to pay your bills and hope for a better future.
I have started the steps to become a virtual assistant. Hopefully make myself more know. I’m hoping to have magic happen. With success, you have control over your own time. When you have control over your own time, you have the ability to create more magic for yourself. You have control over your life. I miss home, family and friends so much.
With all these thoughts that went through my head, I was down. Angry at life for where we are. Depressed at trying to figure out how to climb out of the hole. It’s been eight years. The sidekick and I joke when we said for better or worse, we didn’t mean having the worse in secession with no breaks.
Then the kid went for a sleep over on Friday. She texted me.
I smiled. Because even though I might not be the success I want to be right now, I am a success and apparently creative in her eyes. That’s pretty cool. I hope that doesn’t change for a long while still.
A ladder didn’t wondrously fall into the hole so we could climb out into the sunshine. But it was the push I needed to make life a little bit bearable at this juncture.
The kid – she is a source of wonder for me. I’m lucky enough to be her world.
And I hope I hope she never changes.